I would like to have a word with the idiot who introduced the idea of "happily ever after". I would actually like to crack his freakin' head, not to mention my own for buying this crap. WTF was I thinking of... what?!?! What was I expecting, what did I believe in, what did I work so hard for? For happily ever after... yuppi! All the relations I've had, seen or heard of were relations of power. At the beginning, one tries to mold while the other leads. And for as long as the order of the world is not shaken, all goes smooth. What was I expecting - peace and happiness?
What do you do when the order of the world suffocates you? When people who know you tell you that you look like an animal in a cage, brought on the verge of self-destructive behaviour because of being locked for so long, and yet too afraid to jump into the freedom again? Where do you start winning your freedom back and how do you do it? Step by step or in one big chunk, which you are not too sure you can actually swallow? While you decide what to do, how do you negotiate with the power at home? Your heart belongs there for so long that everything still hurts. Still, the same heart remembers how and what YOU used to be, when you were free.
In the meanwhile, everything becomes an overt fight for power. Every centimeter that you want to take back (which you happily gave up years ago, in the name of some illusory love and peace) must be fought for. Everybody becomes a victim for himself and an aggresor for the other. You look in the mirror and you can't stop wondering - what have I become? What is a relation - a test for setting new standards of how low you can get? A dart board in which you mercilessly practice to see when you get bull's eye, but you scream every time the other hits? How often do you remember that you used to love? And when you do, do you miss the target or keep throwing back, aiming for the softest, most hurting spots? Or you just cry louder, thinking where is the person who used to love you also?
It becomes a jungle. Hit or you will get hit. Eat or you will be eaten. Hurt first, or you will get hurt. You ache for freedom, you hunger for peace but you do not leave the battlefield. In a sick ego war, you want to win. Your gain is measured in the suffering of the other. "Us" becomes a myth, something that you wonder what was it, when was it, and how was it but you cannot remember. And you'd better not, because it will make you an easier victim. There are moments of truce, but never peace - you are just both too tired to fight, you need a day or two to lick your wounds and come back into the arena called "us". After a while you stop crying - you just scream like an injured animal, and use your last drops of strength to turn and hit again. Paradoxically, still, you do not become immune - up to a certain extent, you learn not to show your emotions, but beyond that level, everything still hurts. You just learnt to be quiet whenever you have no strength to argue. You fucked up and you have to get used to this, to be able to move on.
When do you learn that you need to think differently for each relation you are in? When and how do you understand that you cannot expect this one to have the same perception of the things as the previous one? OK, you obviously do it at a rational level, but when you actually run into new requirements you are just puzzled. Little by little you understand the role the other expects you to play - which does not, in any manner, means that you can actually play. Or even worse, that you actually WANT to play it. I love you, but this is not me. Becoming what you want me to be makes me a shadow, a weird and flat construction. How can you require this to be happy? What kind of twisted love is this?
Why not simply leave and just let everything happen behind you? Probably you end up doing it, eventually. But you invested everything you had, everything you were and everything you planned to be and do into this relation. You want this bloody business to give back something, anything. You have no energy to invest into a new relation for now - you can at most give some pieces of you. And you have no desire whatsoever to try a new relation, you are happy with some half measure. Everything is an experience - cool, then when we get old, we can actually count as "life experiences" all the things that hurt us, made us more reluctant, afraid or simply turned us away from even trying some things. That's some gain, we have to admit ;)
It becomes a jungle. Hit or you will get hit. Eat or you will be eaten. Hurt first, or you will get hurt. You ache for freedom, you hunger for peace but you do not leave the battlefield. In a sick ego war, you want to win. Your gain is measured in the suffering of the other. "Us" becomes a myth, something that you wonder what was it, when was it, and how was it but you cannot remember. And you'd better not, because it will make you an easier victim. There are moments of truce, but never peace - you are just both too tired to fight, you need a day or two to lick your wounds and come back into the arena called "us". After a while you stop crying - you just scream like an injured animal, and use your last drops of strength to turn and hit again. Paradoxically, still, you do not become immune - up to a certain extent, you learn not to show your emotions, but beyond that level, everything still hurts. You just learnt to be quiet whenever you have no strength to argue. You fucked up and you have to get used to this, to be able to move on.
When do you learn that you need to think differently for each relation you are in? When and how do you understand that you cannot expect this one to have the same perception of the things as the previous one? OK, you obviously do it at a rational level, but when you actually run into new requirements you are just puzzled. Little by little you understand the role the other expects you to play - which does not, in any manner, means that you can actually play. Or even worse, that you actually WANT to play it. I love you, but this is not me. Becoming what you want me to be makes me a shadow, a weird and flat construction. How can you require this to be happy? What kind of twisted love is this?
Why not simply leave and just let everything happen behind you? Probably you end up doing it, eventually. But you invested everything you had, everything you were and everything you planned to be and do into this relation. You want this bloody business to give back something, anything. You have no energy to invest into a new relation for now - you can at most give some pieces of you. And you have no desire whatsoever to try a new relation, you are happy with some half measure. Everything is an experience - cool, then when we get old, we can actually count as "life experiences" all the things that hurt us, made us more reluctant, afraid or simply turned us away from even trying some things. That's some gain, we have to admit ;)
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