I'm home for quite some time... Like a shored sailor, I enjoy the peace and the lack of storms and giant waves. I like to look outside from my balcony and to see the city, to hear the words I can understand while walking on the street, to be able to chat with the cashier at the supermarket, when I pay my bill ... I like that my phone rings and that I can chat for 10 minutes about nothing and that I can interact with people and with my friends.
However, after about one month of staying I realized that I've been too much away to come back here untouched and to act like I used to, when I was young. I've been alone for too long, I guess, and this loneliness calls me back. I start to feel overwhelmed by interactions and the peacefulness starts to be heavy on my heart. When I think of going away, I know I'll be missing the shore but when I am here I miss my ship, my sea, my nomad being.
I've met quite a few sailors in my life and I've always wanted to be one. I saw them leaving and coming back to their families, welcomed guest but so unadapted to the family life. Their visits home were a source of joy and happiness, but in he same time an earthquake for the routine. And after a while, when they were leaving back to the sea, everybody was sad but in peace - life was coming back to normal.
When does a sailor come ashore and stay there? Why some settle, after a time of sailing, and some just keep on going back to the sea? I've noticed that the family was the main reason used for settling, but I've always wondered how do they feel inside... how does one feel to be home, after being homeless for a while? Am I over-romanticizing and naively building some adventurer's characters, or are they for real? Is it immaturity and an eternal adolescence to keep on running back to your sea of freedom, while pretending you have responsibilities ashore? Or is it something stronger than you, which keeps calling you back to the sea, to the storms and to your ship? What is stronger, the love for your family or the comradeship you feel towards your fellow sailors, with whom you face the danger and the fun of a life of nomad?
Last night I dreamt Sh. I've loved him since my 6th grade and I don't think I've ever stopped. I never fucked him and I've always known this is for another life time and not for this one. Somewhere in my early twenties I met him again, just to find out how much he loves me too. Of course he was by that time married, and I was (just like now) sailing. I forget about him most of the time but there are nights when I dream of him and I wake up lounging ... I somehow know that if I had ever been with him, I would have never gone sailing.. and I would have been unhappy, without knowing why.
Maybe I am born like this, or maybe we all secretly like unhappiness. Or maybe missing something, missing the shore while sailing and missing the sea while ashore is what keeps us going further. I do not know.... and I do not know what to choose and what to do... I try to keep on sailing and to keep on coming back home, but I know it's a frail balance and I will have to make up my mind. Or maybe it takes one Sh. to make me decide... or then again, it's too late now to change and not even a Sh. would make me stay on shore. I do not know, but I will soon go back to my ship and hope it won't sink this time either.
However, after about one month of staying I realized that I've been too much away to come back here untouched and to act like I used to, when I was young. I've been alone for too long, I guess, and this loneliness calls me back. I start to feel overwhelmed by interactions and the peacefulness starts to be heavy on my heart. When I think of going away, I know I'll be missing the shore but when I am here I miss my ship, my sea, my nomad being.
I've met quite a few sailors in my life and I've always wanted to be one. I saw them leaving and coming back to their families, welcomed guest but so unadapted to the family life. Their visits home were a source of joy and happiness, but in he same time an earthquake for the routine. And after a while, when they were leaving back to the sea, everybody was sad but in peace - life was coming back to normal.
When does a sailor come ashore and stay there? Why some settle, after a time of sailing, and some just keep on going back to the sea? I've noticed that the family was the main reason used for settling, but I've always wondered how do they feel inside... how does one feel to be home, after being homeless for a while? Am I over-romanticizing and naively building some adventurer's characters, or are they for real? Is it immaturity and an eternal adolescence to keep on running back to your sea of freedom, while pretending you have responsibilities ashore? Or is it something stronger than you, which keeps calling you back to the sea, to the storms and to your ship? What is stronger, the love for your family or the comradeship you feel towards your fellow sailors, with whom you face the danger and the fun of a life of nomad?
Last night I dreamt Sh. I've loved him since my 6th grade and I don't think I've ever stopped. I never fucked him and I've always known this is for another life time and not for this one. Somewhere in my early twenties I met him again, just to find out how much he loves me too. Of course he was by that time married, and I was (just like now) sailing. I forget about him most of the time but there are nights when I dream of him and I wake up lounging ... I somehow know that if I had ever been with him, I would have never gone sailing.. and I would have been unhappy, without knowing why.
Maybe I am born like this, or maybe we all secretly like unhappiness. Or maybe missing something, missing the shore while sailing and missing the sea while ashore is what keeps us going further. I do not know.... and I do not know what to choose and what to do... I try to keep on sailing and to keep on coming back home, but I know it's a frail balance and I will have to make up my mind. Or maybe it takes one Sh. to make me decide... or then again, it's too late now to change and not even a Sh. would make me stay on shore. I do not know, but I will soon go back to my ship and hope it won't sink this time either.
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