How do you know when it's time to walk out of something, be it a work place, a relation, a country or whatever else? When is that moment when you give up all hopes and withdraw your investment? Moreover, once you "kinda" understood what is the solution, when do you start putting it into practice? I assume there are no easy answers to this and no universal solutions - everything is very personal and very much depending on the circumstances. Short term relationships function on a different principle, and this is a very relative statement. Let's not forget that, in the end, no long term relation is as such from the beginning - they all start as short term ones.
Little by little, you get entangled into a relation till you end up forming a "couple". With time, you become so much a member of the couple that "we" becomes the first word that comes to mind when you want to say "I". Whatever you desire, plan, want to do, decide to change - it affects the other as well and you start acting "responsible" (jeez, I hate this word). In return, you are supposed to receive the answer to your other needs. In very cold terms, each relationship becomes a business - you invest something and you expect a return for your investment (to specify: business is here used to define a relationship of mutual exchange, in all the possible terms - emotional, sexual, social etc). You, each of you being in a couple, gives up a certain share of personal freedom in exchange for the other doing the same, for commonly agreed decision and, in the end, for mutual profit.
This is, I believe, the biggest trick. You expect a profit (again, it can be an emotional profit - you feel happy, a sexual one - you feel satisfied, a social one - you feel accomplished etc) but you miss the point that it's very hard for both to maximize this profit. Maybe it is one of Murphy's Laws, I do not know, but it might be that there is a constant maximal value that this profit can take. Once you reached this conclusion, the next step comes easy - if you want to maximize your profit, you can only do it by lowering the investment and, if possible, maximizing the return.
In simple terms, the cooperation for mutual profit becomes a competition for who makes the most out of it. One is winner, the other one becomes by default the loser. He/she starts feeling that what is invested into this relationship is not bringing back much; sometimes it becomes exactly the opposite and it brings back a double-edged frustration - you are frustrated by how much you give and you are also frustrated by how little you receive. I assume this is the first step to the end... when you start telling yourself "it's not worth it".
From there on, strategies vary. Some I assume are winning strategies and you manage to make the business work and reach a mutually satisfying balance of what you give vs what you receive. These would be those things called long lasting marriages... and I have seen in my entire life only one which worked (my grandparents). The fact that it was built on mutually accepted frustration is less relevant in the end - they were content with how things were and they built a family, a house, raised a grandchild and so on. Not fairy tale, but a nice real story, ending with the death of my grandfather after 52 years of marriage (so, we can't blame this for his death;)).
However, this is one story and it started long time ago. Times have changed and people also. We start wanting more and being less able/willing to accept frustration. The array of choices is wider and the social pressures have considerably diminished. Being unhappy is not a state of mind one is any more willing to take for the sake of a relationship, whichever one it is. And what happens from here on... I will discuss in a later post, because now I'd better go get some rest. I've said goodbye to one country and I am planning to say goodbye to a man. Yes, I am tired:)
Little by little, you get entangled into a relation till you end up forming a "couple". With time, you become so much a member of the couple that "we" becomes the first word that comes to mind when you want to say "I". Whatever you desire, plan, want to do, decide to change - it affects the other as well and you start acting "responsible" (jeez, I hate this word). In return, you are supposed to receive the answer to your other needs. In very cold terms, each relationship becomes a business - you invest something and you expect a return for your investment (to specify: business is here used to define a relationship of mutual exchange, in all the possible terms - emotional, sexual, social etc). You, each of you being in a couple, gives up a certain share of personal freedom in exchange for the other doing the same, for commonly agreed decision and, in the end, for mutual profit.
This is, I believe, the biggest trick. You expect a profit (again, it can be an emotional profit - you feel happy, a sexual one - you feel satisfied, a social one - you feel accomplished etc) but you miss the point that it's very hard for both to maximize this profit. Maybe it is one of Murphy's Laws, I do not know, but it might be that there is a constant maximal value that this profit can take. Once you reached this conclusion, the next step comes easy - if you want to maximize your profit, you can only do it by lowering the investment and, if possible, maximizing the return.
In simple terms, the cooperation for mutual profit becomes a competition for who makes the most out of it. One is winner, the other one becomes by default the loser. He/she starts feeling that what is invested into this relationship is not bringing back much; sometimes it becomes exactly the opposite and it brings back a double-edged frustration - you are frustrated by how much you give and you are also frustrated by how little you receive. I assume this is the first step to the end... when you start telling yourself "it's not worth it".
From there on, strategies vary. Some I assume are winning strategies and you manage to make the business work and reach a mutually satisfying balance of what you give vs what you receive. These would be those things called long lasting marriages... and I have seen in my entire life only one which worked (my grandparents). The fact that it was built on mutually accepted frustration is less relevant in the end - they were content with how things were and they built a family, a house, raised a grandchild and so on. Not fairy tale, but a nice real story, ending with the death of my grandfather after 52 years of marriage (so, we can't blame this for his death;)).
However, this is one story and it started long time ago. Times have changed and people also. We start wanting more and being less able/willing to accept frustration. The array of choices is wider and the social pressures have considerably diminished. Being unhappy is not a state of mind one is any more willing to take for the sake of a relationship, whichever one it is. And what happens from here on... I will discuss in a later post, because now I'd better go get some rest. I've said goodbye to one country and I am planning to say goodbye to a man. Yes, I am tired:)
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