It's hard for me to talk about horses, as it is hard to speak about dogs or other animals. Sometimes I feel I can do that, but most of the time I find myself unable to utter anything about them - the living universe is so complex and so beautiful, that it'd be almost a sin to reduce it to words and to put those words in a conversation or type them on the screen. The experiences that I had with the animal world and with nature were bricks, not decorations - and what can you say about bricks?
The older I get, the more I realize I know very little about myself. I am most of the time ambiguous, contradictory and even antagonistic with my previous self (previous can sometimes mean 5 minutes ago). There are times when I am surprised by my own reactions or by my own thoughts and there are times when I think in one way and I react completely oppositely, for unclear reasons. For years and years I have been searching for the real me, and I kept on failing miserably.
Oddly, there is one area where I am completely at peace with myself and with the universe, and this area is nature. Laid on the grass, tears can turn into a smile and war can make space for peace. In the urban, civilized world, I live mostly for others - and by this I do not mean that I'm some sort of an altruistic saint. I wish I were... but I know I am not. Still, I live in their eyes and their glaze bothers me. This is how we grow up - by looking at ourselves in the mirror given by our parents' eyes and trying to adjust ourselves accordingly. We sometimes fight and we sometimes follow, but we need to be seen. And when we are not, when our parents are too busy looking at themselves or at anything else, what follows is a lifetime of trying to avoid being invisible again.
Sometimes I became an attention whore and I occupied all the space, because I felt I need to be seen, to be recognized, to be understood for what I am - and by looking at myself in the eyes of the other, to be finally able to see what and who I am. Sometimes I avoided others and tried to look deep down, and see how I look without a mirror, somehow like a blind man gets an image - by touching, by sensing, by imagining. By this time in life, I have seen all the pieces, but haven't built the puzzle yet.
Life happens in mysterious ways sometimes, so I ended up going for some pleasure horseback riding for the first time in my life. It was a late summer (or early autumn) of the North, with cool showers and shrinking days, when weather can wonderfully reward you one day and screw you the next one. It mattered not, because the riding was supposed to take place in a covered arena. And hence, I went... not very enthusiastic about it, but curious to meet the first horse in my life - a chestnut mare named Dija, with a blond mane and a star on her forehead. And on her back, I felt like I found my place in the universe and I am where I should be. No questions asked, just a bitter understanding of the fact that in this life I do not how to ride yet. But I returned the next day, and the next and then the next....
I came back home, to the warm autumn of the South and to a new horse. I'm not very constant in my actions or feelings, but I kept on riding and I was very determined to continue. Here, there... anywhere, that does not matter. What matters is to be again on the back of the horse and to that wonderful inner peace that I found there. And this time, my place was on the back of a bay horse named Tobacco. Unlike Dija, Tobacco was one hell of a mule - stubborn to death and biting every time he was given the opportunity to do this. And near Tobacco, I started to learn what a horse is and how to ride.
In a weird way, I found Tobacco was already in my heart, but I've never recognized him or known him to be there. Even weirder, I found him to be my mirror and reflect all my moods, my doubts, my stubbornness, my inability to express my emotions properly... my lack of trust and my own desire not to be ridden. There are no accidents in life, so I am thankful for having met him... thankful beyond words. Being with him gives me a mirror I never found in the eyes of humans or even in my dogs' eyes. Humans looked at me and judged me by their own standards and what I saw in their eyes was not me, but what they think of me. Humans have looked at me and tried to mold me into the shape they wanted me to be and all I saw in their eyes was how I fit the standards they set for me.
My dogs look at me, but they accept me unconditionally and their eyes have no mirror. Their eyes have love, and this is already more than one can ask for... but no mirrors there. Tobacco's eyes are the best mirror I ever found, which shows me for what I am. He asks for nothing, but to be also understood and accepted - and when he is not (unlike the dogs), he reacts. Intuitively, he knows my moods and reproduces them even before I realize what mood I am in. Beautiful or ugly, he reflects me and shows me my true heart and by this he gives me a peace I've never had before. With him, I know who I am, as seen in the eyes of an equal.
Time has passed since I first met Tobacco. There were days when I did not see him, because I was too preoccupied with daily life and I felt his absence dearly. There were other days when we went to the forest and we ran, his body and my mind in the same place. No words can match and describe this experience fully and properly.... it is just me and the horse and the gallop... the trees and their branches, the sounds of the forest and the wind blowing in your ears.... no memories and no worries for the future, no bad people or good people... no people at all, actually. Just the horse and I and the trees, the smell and the sound of nature and the extraordinary peace of mind that comes with all these.
There are so many mirrors in our lives... we just need to find the one who shows us how we truly are and then decide what to do with that image. Knowledge is, in this case, the path to beauty - because once you know, you learn to accept you for who you are and you see that, in fact, you are beautiful. Mirror, mirror on the wall...
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