The World is not Enough

I like to listen to people, I like to get to know their stories. I like to see new places and feel their pulse, meet their people, listen to their voices. I like music and the act of listening is the supreme way of understanding the universe. I hear the sounds, the words uttered or just the running water of the fountain and the world starts having a shape. I understand life through ideas, in a way that has very little to do with emotions - but I like to hear about them, I like to know them better at least through empathy... and I am able to sense them when they are explained to me, like a colour blind can be told about red. I know my own red, but I'm afraid sometimes I choose my world to be black and white, because it is simpler like this.

My favourite stories are the life stories and the history of one's relationships. Sometimes I am put in the position to have my own stories, and together with what I am told by others, I try to understand the world and the humans better ... and lately, I confess I feel a complete moron at this. Despite the fact that I reached 35, I still had, till recently at least, a sort of a naive perception of the world. I've always suspected biggest cynics to be idealists, who are just aware of their own fragility and of the fact that the world is not exactly as they feel, deep down inside their hearts, that it should be.

In this teenager-ish and yet cynical world of mine, I know there are lies and ugly truths, but I always thought they come out of accident rather than out of bad will, and that what we do is guided by both personal interest/desire and an underlying system of values and Weltanschauung. I found myself to be an optimist and to have high hopes for the people - regardless how and where they were in this life, I've always believed that there is a layer of good things in everyone and it just gets hidden sometimes. 

I never knew too well what to expect or ask from a relationship and, guided by this perception of fundamental goodness of the people, I've always thought that one way or another, things would settle down in a beneficial way for both of the partners involved. The cynical side suspected there might be, however, that people don't care much about the other but mostly about themselves, while the idealist side hoped that at least they consider the other important one when they take a decision or perform an action which affects them both. Well, given my last life experiences, I think we can bury the idealist, sparing her the humiliation of dying a slow, painful death, called 'facing the reality'. RIP, young Irina.

The more I listen to people and their loves and relations, the more I see even the cynical inside me left speechless sometimes. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong in the universe, wrong in a very moral and yet simple sense. All I see lately is lying, cheating, carelessness about everyone else but yourself (including about your own kids), reckless action, stupid covers and so on. And all these realities bring a moral self in me which I never expected to be there. The older I get, the more I believe in the idea of responsibility - well, I've always thought it's a very complicated and hard thing, so I did the best I could to avoid any form of becoming responsible for someone or too involved into something. However, when I ended up in this position, I tried to fulfill my duties as well as I could.

What did I run into lately - woman in her early 40s killing herself and leaving a one yr old son behind, because... guess what... because she doesn't feel pretty enough (weren't plastic surgeons a better idea, still?). Or woman in her 30s, with a 2 yo son who gets madly in love and decides it's more fun to get a lover than spend time with her son, who happens to be sick for a while (rent a porn and watch some soap opera?). Or man in his late 20s living a double life, spiced by some other zillions of random fucks, just because he needs to prove to himself that he is a man (check your pants?). Or man in his early 40s cheating on his girlfriend with the dentist and explaining that he wanted to get free dental work (in this case, I really have no comment since this is below the line of my known universe, but it leaves me in awe). Or man in his early 20s being moody and cruel to his a bit older, fragile and insecure girlfriend for the simple reason that 'he can' (how about finding a stronger opponent to prove your macho-ism?). Or... should I continue? Neah... it's already too sad even for the screen to be able to bear it without a scratch (self immolation, I believe)

The further life goes, the more I understand the importance of valuing the people who preserve some shade of humanity in them and to keep them when I run into one like this. And it's harder and harder to find them ... again, I feel like the last unicorn, more of a misfit than of a survivor. In a strange way, my curiosity vanishes and I am less and less interested in meeting new people... I've seen enough, I'd keep my eyes open maybe I see another unicorn but not run into the world to find them. Now I start making sense of how we become older and more cynical, bitter and tired... for how long can you keep a flame burning without oxygen? 

I almost never proofread and edit my posts and I'm not gonna start with this one... I know it's a bit unclear and incoherent, but this is because I simply do not know what to do but notice the fact and try to think something (anything) about it. I cannot, as of now, identify the problems and the causalities or suggest a possible answer. But I can say wholeheartedly that, in terms of quality, the world is NOT enough...