When I saw her I knew it wouldn't last for long. She looked too used to being on her own to stick around for too much... and I wasn't sure what to do about her also. Somebody called me to show her to me and we looked at each other for a short while. She was young and common and she looked like she was waiting for someone. Which she wasn't, it was just a search for food and somebody from inside got out to bring her a cookie. She ate it and she looked ahead, like thinking where to go - straight ahead, or turn back. I gave her a pack of food and she ate it in a hurry. She was not that thin, but neither too well fed - it was an unexpected good meal and she took advantage of it, hurrying up before the offer ends.
I tried to put my belt as a collar and take her upstairs. I had no plans for her, but didn't think I could leave her down there, all alone. She got scared and she pulled off her head from the improvised collar and ran a few meters away. She stopped and she looked back straight at me.
It was not hate, neither it was fear. It was just mistrust, in its purest form. I saw her eyes and I knew I looked like she was, now, at other people and then just went away. She didn't need me and she didn't want me. Life for her is hard, but she can't trust and she doesn't want to. Probably she can't even dream of a soft pillow and of a warm home, which she never had and never will. I can...
Some wonder why I love stray dogs. It's simple - I am one of them. I do not make them humans neither I see myself as a dog - I just see that we are so much alike that it's hard to think of. Just like her, the anonymous stray dog I fed today, I walk in the world and I am all on my own. I sometimes look at the clouds and there is this desperate hope that there is somebody bigger than me who cares. And I just need a sign that somebody is looking at me now ... which never comes, and I just know that I am all alone.
This is sometimes a very overwhelming feeling... It's pointless to try to describe it, but it's the blank feeling of being totally and utterly alone. I know... generations have been preoccupied with this and they came up with gods and then with God and blablabla. But I am not religious - I lack the ability to have faith without reasoning and to trust someone who doesn't seem to be there... so I look at the world like that dog looked at me today. Me and her are the same, two unknown shadows passing on the streets of a city, whichever city might that be... sometimes having the luck of a good meal just to keep on walking.
Footsteps don't get imprinted in the asphalt. Nobody will ever know I was there, she was there ... and we just kept walking.
There are many things I haven't learnt yet, but I know one:"our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch". Some of us not only remember, but can almost see your footsteps on our path. Maybe you are remembered for the courage it takes to walk alone. Maybe for the strength that can be read in your eyes. Maybe for giving life to that very soldier inside each of us, for leading his first insecure steps with only one glimpse. We believe in you because you keep on walking even if the clouds are silent.
ReplyDeleteWe remember.
Maybe you should look people in the eye one more time before going away, you might recognise us.
We salute you!
Ana Mizil
I very rarely answer to comments, but now I feel like I have to... I think you see me as a bit more than I am, Ana. And I thank you for that, but I am not sure it is not undeserved.
ReplyDeleteTime ago, I was touched by someone who was walking alone... and when I told him, he replied 'you think too highly of me, dear. I am not that epic'. We laughed and we kept walking. I haven't seen him for a long while, but allow me to return his line to you - I am not that epic, Anna:). We all keep walking, even when the clouds are hostile or completely indifferent to us.
Thank you for answering...though I wish you didn't feel you have to. That's one of the reasons I thought a while before writing down my comment, but I considered telling more important so I assume it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it may seem so, I don't take things, nor people for granted.
All I've said comes from the fact that I've seen many people who stopped walking. Some of them blamed the clouds or others for striking them, for leaving them alone, even for keeping silent and so on. Maybe their feet walked on, but their self was left behind. Their steps are mechanical, they wear the same old face, but have no eyes. Others just hang themselves on some other shoulder and stay there until the other gets weak, then they move to another and so on. They never find out, not even how heavy their burden is.
You don't blame, you just take it on your own shoulders. That makes you an oak among clamberers and reeds and that is, in my vision, a thing to be admired.
We are what we perceive after all so allow me to answer: From my window, you are epic, dear Caroshel, but it's enough for me if you laugh(or just smile) and keep walking.
I make my bow.
Hello, comentariul meu va fi in romana, stiu si inteleg engleza dar la scris nu ma descurc foarte bine, so...ramane romana...
ReplyDeleteInteresante scrierile tale, as putea spune un pic depresive(no ofence), cred insa ca aceasta apropiere de animale si aceasta dragoste fata de ele reprezinta o fuga a ta si o negare a existentei tale ca om...a fi ceea ce nu poti sau a simti, a te ascunde inspatele acestei fiinte ..cainele...te identifici cu el, mai bine decat cu propria ta persoana, trist...parca realitatea te-a dezamagit intru totul complet si ireversibil.....
Scrii totusi asa discret despre o persoana care te-ar fi ranit grozav(sau cel putin asa am perceput eu)...cred ca aici este chintesenta existentei tale de pana acum...pe aceasta latura trebuie sa insisti mai mult si sa gasesti un raspuns...nu fugi si nu te ascunde, vorbeste si spune cui trebuie ceea ce simti....