At 7 am I am not sleeping - and not because I just woke up, but because I couldn't fall asleep. I spent the entire night going in circles and being depressed. The efforts of the last months proved to be completely useless. I tried so hard to run away from my previous life and rethink everything while being on my own... and I so miserably failed. Not in the execution of my master plan, but in its core - this is NOT what I wanted.
Sometimes you spot a problem and make it the central point of your life. Finding a solution occupies your time fully and you toss and turn till you find one.... and then you become obsessed with putting it into practice. You think and rethink it and fail to see major flaws - so you start making it real. And once it's up and working, you look at it, and you realize - WHAT A FAILURE!
The wave of disappointment is mixed with shades of anger, of rage, of doubt. Facing the nothingness most of the people offer, you suddenly realize the meaningfulness of what you just gave up. You know that in your life some people are there to stay, while most of them are just poor players on a stage of shadows, coming and going - but when you realize what people are important indeed and that you so hastily tried to take them out of your life, you start understanding what makes the distinction. Some people stay and try and make efforts to stick together even when times are harsh - and you end up blaming them for the harsh times you are going through, both of you, but fail to see they still love you (love being that thing that's left when lust has gone).
I've been through very hard times with my boyfriend. We hated each other, forgetting that we used to love each other. And out of that hate, I wanted, like a caged animal, to run away. But now, when I am away, I miss him badly and I can only admire his resilience. He is a bulldozer and that killed me for a long while, but the same style made him endure the harsh times and still love me. I do not know how to define love, because it can take many shapes - but very few shapes are real and lasting. I do not know if an enduring love belongs more to its kind than a fling - however, I do know that I miss him a lot and that I don't want too much to continue this experience of being separated. Things were not perfect and they won't be - but, like in any Hollywood movie, the good guy wins the girl in the end. And he is the good guy here, I just realized it... it's all about the point of reference. Maybe that saying is right - that the key to a successful relations is to have low expectations. When you benchmark a person against your expectations, everything looks gloomy.... but when you change it, and compare what that person offers to how life is without... I dunno, blame Stockholm Syndrome if you want, but all I wish for now is to go back home. And my home is a person, not a place. I miss you, my dear.
Sometimes you spot a problem and make it the central point of your life. Finding a solution occupies your time fully and you toss and turn till you find one.... and then you become obsessed with putting it into practice. You think and rethink it and fail to see major flaws - so you start making it real. And once it's up and working, you look at it, and you realize - WHAT A FAILURE!
The wave of disappointment is mixed with shades of anger, of rage, of doubt. Facing the nothingness most of the people offer, you suddenly realize the meaningfulness of what you just gave up. You know that in your life some people are there to stay, while most of them are just poor players on a stage of shadows, coming and going - but when you realize what people are important indeed and that you so hastily tried to take them out of your life, you start understanding what makes the distinction. Some people stay and try and make efforts to stick together even when times are harsh - and you end up blaming them for the harsh times you are going through, both of you, but fail to see they still love you (love being that thing that's left when lust has gone).
I've been through very hard times with my boyfriend. We hated each other, forgetting that we used to love each other. And out of that hate, I wanted, like a caged animal, to run away. But now, when I am away, I miss him badly and I can only admire his resilience. He is a bulldozer and that killed me for a long while, but the same style made him endure the harsh times and still love me. I do not know how to define love, because it can take many shapes - but very few shapes are real and lasting. I do not know if an enduring love belongs more to its kind than a fling - however, I do know that I miss him a lot and that I don't want too much to continue this experience of being separated. Things were not perfect and they won't be - but, like in any Hollywood movie, the good guy wins the girl in the end. And he is the good guy here, I just realized it... it's all about the point of reference. Maybe that saying is right - that the key to a successful relations is to have low expectations. When you benchmark a person against your expectations, everything looks gloomy.... but when you change it, and compare what that person offers to how life is without... I dunno, blame Stockholm Syndrome if you want, but all I wish for now is to go back home. And my home is a person, not a place. I miss you, my dear.
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