Immortality and other life dilemmas

Until I was like 22-23 I thought I was immortal. I was having this overwhelming feeling that, if I decide to sit on the rails before the train, something would happen and the train would not reach me. It was the same for everything else - we were living suspended in time, in a world of young, healthy adults.

Then, my first boss died. I still remember the smell of a dead body, that too sweet odor of rotting flesh. I suddenly came to incorporate a new concept - never. I was looking at him lying there, dead and pale, and it struck me - I will NEVER see him again. Until then, it sounded very vague... "never" meant sometime during the rest of my life, which was almost entirely in front of me. In this case, it was different - I was NEVER EVER going to see him again.

I started to grasp the idea of death and dying. But it was still happening outside my private garden. Those I love cannot be struck by death. They are, like me, immortal. Just to disprove my theory (well, his heart condition contributed a lot also), my grandfather died. I was NEVER going to see him again, but this time it was a painful never. And I started to fear death ... not in an obsessive way, but as a steady presence in a corner of my mind - we all die, one die I will die. I should do my best to avoid it.

I lived the last years fearing mortality and having this secret hope that my grandpa's death was an accident, that dying is something that happens eventually. Which is, actually, but that eventually is not suspended in time but actively coming towards us, towards me. I didn't want to get old, I didn't want to die. And I wanted to keep the ones I love around, for as long as I live. And then... then we can all go. But not before, that NEVER is not going to happen to me again.

I idiotically believed Tofa can't die. It was not as it's supposed to be, the kind and loved ones have to live. Death is an undeserved punishment, so it can't happen to her. It did. But her last gift to me was this - I don't want to be immortal anymore. I don't like the idea of dying, but now I somehow realized that I will die, that the day is coming, and I do not fear it anymore. Who the fuck wants to live forever, and keep losing the ones around him, over and over again?

There is no beauty in death, but it is even less in living and losing what you love. Wait for me in the dogs' Heaven, Tofa. If there has to be a Heaven, then dogs are fully worth of it. It might take some time, but one day I will come to meet you. I wouldn't want to stay in a world that will NEVER have you back.