25 random things about me

Don't ask me why exactly 25. Conformism or laziness I guess... this is how it came to me. With 25. And random. So here we go.



1. I like to sleep and dream. I can hardly sleep and my dreams are nightmares. However, I like the idea.
2. I love music when it's in tune with my feelings. I hate to listen to soft music when I am angry, to calm down. Maybe it calms down the singer, but definitely not me.
3. I love my dogs. And whatever other dogs. Actually, I like dogs.
4. I would be a druid, if born earlier. Nature is the only thing deserving a god-like respect.
5. People call me my style 'sarcasm'. I call it 'survival strategy'
6. I hate poetry. I'm too stupid to care that 'love' rhymes with 'dove'. One is emotion, another is bird. Doh...
7. I like SciFi - not as escapism, but as exercise of imagination.
8. I love to be in love. I completely cherish the hunting and killing of the prey. I have a hard time staying in love.
9. Been vegetarian for years; sometimes I revolt against it and eat meat, to remind myself there are no absolute, universal truths.
10. I have the soul of an engineer; I like cybernetics and I love to have a systemic view of the things; everything is interconnected and there are no coincidences.
11. Starting from statement no. 10, I think I can call myself a Buddhist.
12. I like the irony contained in the statements of whoever declares him/herself as 'religious but non-practicing'. WTF is that one?
13. I like order, but I thrive on chaos; I think chaos is the only true opportunity maker. That practically justifies my life choices so far, so it might be a defensive mechanism
14. I am a Cartesian to the bone - I doubt everything, including my own doubts. Go figure how I live .
15. I hope my next life I'll be a tiger; good enough reason to hate poachers.
16. I smoke a lot. I guess I do it because it makes me look smarter. Either this, or I watched too many cigarette ads.
17. I am oblivious to people. They have to jump into my way to be noticed. This might be closely related to the fact that I am a sound misanthropist.
18. I like connecting elements and seeing causalities. See statement number 10 once again.
19. I believe that there are many ways to fuck up your life, but they all have a common element - they start in the moment when you begin lying to yourself.
20. When I was a kid, I dreamt of being a pirate. In fact, the captain of a pirate ship. I like freedom and being rich, so I considered it the best professional choice.
21. I have a huge level of aggressiveness. Since I can't always externalize it, there it comes the self- destructive behaviour.
22. I hate inner ambivalence - maybe because I live with it for a life time. Or maybe not.
23. I consider myself a survivor - I have faith that I would land on my feet no matter what. Or die, of course.
24. I love long walks. They are always planned for 'tomorrow'.
25. Freedom. And just let me be.

Secondhand Serenade

There is one shop in Bucharest called MiniPrix - it sells cheap clothes, offering low quality for little money. The shop is most of the times crowded, although it's almost impossible to actually find really nice things. There are people who go there constantly to remake their clothes stock, because once in a while they can find one or two brand items searching in the piles of junk.

I tend to think this is just a symptom of a lifestyle, in which people just prefer to pay little accepting that they will receive little; and maybe, once in a while, they can find a decently nice moment in that low quality existence. In the economy of the system called 'life', they believe that giving a lot is too risky, so they settle for little.

There is this philosophy - if you dig too deep, you'll end up finding shit, so better if you don't. It fits the same MiniPrix life philosophy... if you keep things shallow, you don't have to work too hard, suffer too much or lose more than you can bear. However, the other face of the coin says that you won't receive too much in exchange also. In this world of small feelings, nobody cares that you can't grow roses on a layer of shit.... they settle for a thin cover of the stinky truths, because nobody actually needs roses. We can watch the wild weeds and pretend they have perfumed petals...

Fear of the Dark

One day I was talking to a friend about change and its value - I was changing the country again and I was excited about this. He asked - 'are you not afraid?'. I said 'why would I be?'. I still remember his answer: 'Those mortals are generally sensitive to and afraid of change and instability'.

I respect fear - it's good for survival. However, if you want to live and not merely to survive, then you should definitely overcome it. The human perpetual quest for certainty and stability is generally understandable, but sometimes it is sad to see how you give up your dreams for a tiny piece of stability. Life offers no guarantees but one - that nothing lasts forever. When choosing, one always tries to minimize the pain and maximize the gain. Nothing weird up to now. What I find generally quite pathetic is, still, how little it takes to define something as a gain and how often we mistake 'comfortable' with 'happy'.

I've always known good things don't come easy - maybe this is how we end up defining them as 'good'.... but this is another discussion. However, when one wants something, it's a pity to give it up not because he/she stopped wanting it, but because he/she is too weak or coward to stand up and face the hardships and the obstacles.

Aquariums are always safe - the water is warmed and it has no currents. Indeed, no adrenaline rush and not a too rich life. But the fish doesn't have to fight for survival and for the daily meal. It actually doesn't have to do anything - it just sits and moves back and forth in the tank, living his life until the day it dies. In human terms, it's like laying down with your arms crossed on your chest, to get used to the position in which you will be, one day, buried.

This is the only thing I fear - fear of living. I am afraid one day I will become too used to being comfortable to be able to follow my dreams, or to accept and deal with change. I am afraid one day I will become too lazy to leave what doesn't make me happy anymore, or too coward to face the truth and lie to myself that 'good enough' is good enough. I am not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid of turning off the light of my soul and make an oblivious darkness inside my heart, dying little by little every day without actually living.

Pain, I wanna do it again

Sometimes you get entangled in your thoughts and you think you are right - this just makes you deaf and blind and you pave the road to hell with your good intentions. You don't see or hear suffering, you dismiss whoever tells you: 'you are hurting me'. You treat others pain as a mosquito - slap it when it makes a noise or when it stings, without thinking that it needs that blood to live.

Kill the mosquito and then tell it - 'Lazarus, come forth'. And cry and walk like a caged tiger screaming 'how dare you die on me?'. You just think and you forget to feel and if somebody screams, maybe to bring your senses back, you just look at it and say pompously - 'I'm doing it for a good cause'.

Seeing the cause and not the people makes you an immutable bastard, even worse when people become that cause. The pretext of love can make one become the private Inquisition of another. Not only the public history, but also the private one is full of torture and pain in the holy name of love. And yet, we do not stop loving and hurting and suffering. And what is more important, we never stop hoping that love will not hurt anymore.